A Passion for Peace

San Jose certainly is a different pace to Lima, and we're enjoying it a lot. Once again we're living in a studio apartment, but this time with an epic view of city in the valley below on a mountainside. Like growing up in a big family I imagine, this is our way of practicing creative ways to carve out personal space and accept the spectrum of moods humans can express. There's no place to hide! Here's a photo of Luke's "office set-up" to show the view a bit. Often we find hummingbirds and butterflies flitting around the foliage, squirrels that appear to be a mixture of brown and gray with varying color schemes such as gray body and brown tail, or brown head and gray body, colors in large swatches only, not calico like a cat or patched like a pup. (Photo by Luke)

Being tropical, Costa Rica is full of amazing flowers and trees and animals and insects we are becoming better acquainted with. This week upon opening up the wardrobe, Luke was greeted by an army of ants surging out from amongst his clothes. "You need to stop listening to Marc Maron and come help me immediately!" he screamed. The specificity of his request caught me off-guard and I turned around to see him standing in front of the clothes' closet with an army of ants surging out towards him and into our apartment. I grabbed his flip flops and together we set about eliminating them one by one, resulting in quite an ant Holocaust. One flew into my eye, some escaped under the bed and had to be chased down, and in the end we felt terrible for all the deaths, but the boundary had to be set. I put some garlic on the shelves to keep them away and burned sage as a peace offering to the ants while listening to the rest of the Marc Maron podcast. (He, along with Louie CK and Bill Burr are our favorite comedians at the moment.) (Photo by Luke)

Last week we were at the beach, the Caribbean coast in a place called Puerto Viejo. It was beautiful, calm, and slow. I enjoyed it immensely, and also find such environments a bit confronting because they highlight my ever-present opportunity to learn the art of relaxing. I feel such a strong pull to be working and doing, it can drive me crazy and be hard to balance with letting go. I'm practicing deeply, though, and back in San Jose in addition to quilting, writing, meditating, cooking, shopping and keeping house, yoga, being with Luke & making some friends here, dancing, reading spiritual texts, keeping up with friends & family, and future planning work, I am volunteering on an organic farm in the suburb where we live, an hour's walk across town from our place. Here is a picture from their facebook page which shows a bed and a bit of a much bigger project. Three young friends started planting on a lot owned by one of their uncles who's in a legal battle at the moment so the only allowable use of the land is organic farming as luck would have it. At the moment there's lots of lettuce and kale, radish, cucumber, herbs, green onion, hot pepper, and eggs from the chickens. I meditate to the sound of the chickens clucking with my hands in the earth. I love it. (Photo by Slow Farms Escazu)

From our perch we watch the clouds drift across the city bringing afternoon showers this rainy season. The drip of rain and Luke's guitar-playing fill my ears as I click away at the keys. I've been wondering why we didn't come here first instead of a big city like Lima, but then we wouldn't appreciate this as much if we hadn't done that first. So I'll just love where we're at and dream of moving up even more when we move to the US later this year. Thanks for reading this, sending lots of tropical love to you. <3 br="">

So now we're in Australia. After physically arriving it tends to take me a week to feel my mind and body are back in sync and gather what I need around me and feel settled in. I found a salt lamp shop in Sydney and for me that is immensely necessary in a small room with a 60-inch TV. Before the lamp, it felt like a wave of energy attacking me such that I couldn't even have it on in the room. Ah, the life of a canary. Lots of sage-burning, sleeping with crystals, spending time with trees and animals also helps me. Last week to find the spot for our Engagement Party we walked through the largest park in the city and saw an orange-bellied bat colony amid a grove of paperbark trees. It was so heavenly! (Bark from a gum tree, looks scribbles to me)
I have grown pretty tired of cities. Of course there are exciting things such as our symphony visit at the famous Sydney Opera House, finding dosas in a South Indian restaurant, a funky old-school-style dress while op-shopping (thrifting) and looking forward this week to visiting a contemporary art museum, but mostly I prefer the company of trees to buildings. My favorite visits in most cities are to their parks. This past weekend we took a trip to the Blue Mountains a few hours outside the city where we hiked, did some canyoning and rappelling led by Luke's outdoorsy brother, and successfully searched for kangaroos and wallabies so I could see some in the wild finally. (Which also means I saw wallaby roadkill for the first time too.) (Photo: kangaroo sighting!)

When we were in Santiago I felt so at ease compared to the rest of our initial landings in the cities of central and South America. It is much more similar to the US in my estimation, and looking around at friendly, overweight people, streets full of shopping, McDonald's and Pizza Hut's and people fiddling with their fancy PDA's all around me, I felt simultaneously comfortable and at ease, and also uncomfortable that this was what felt comfortable to me. Soon after arriving I did my first Vipassana meditation retreat: 10 days without speaking, two vegetarian meals daily (a bit hard for gluten- and dairy-free especially when people act out a bit of a group dynamic feeding frenzy), and 10-14 hours a day of meditating, or at least sitting still with yourself and just being. It was certainly challenging, useful, at times incredibly full of pain, at other moments full of bliss, mind and body heavy and full and busy in periods, and clear and light and quiet in others...a grab-bag. The idea of sitting still and not becoming overwhelmed or scared by your pain or attached to or chasing your pleasure but just being with whatever is there is very appealing as a practice and a life philosophy. Very restorative-sounding, and restoring is exactly what I need lately before additional South America adventuring and US visa waiting... (Photo: drawing of a tiger I made)

We've been living in Lima since mid-December now, and I've been very delinquent about writing here, so it's time to catch up a bit.

In addition to Spanish, our main adventures have been a crash course in living in a tiny space together and learning about and accepting challenging aspects of Peruvian culture. Living is going smoothly now for the most part, an occasional 'ahh! this stupid tiny kitchen!' outburst from one of us notwithstanding. And yes, it is challenging to live in a studio without a kitchen sink, but we are managing very beautifully lately. The cultural aspects most challenging for us are two-fold: people lacking the ability to say no (and so promising things they do not follow through on and taking personally our holding them accountable for this), and lacking respect for timing (a meeting scheduled for 2pm could easily begin at 3:30pm with no phone call to say anyone is running late). But knowledge is power, and we are accepting more and learning to plan according to the norms here. And we have met so many wonderful people we are enjoying making friends here immensely.


Our apartment is on a (relatively) quiet street in arguably the safest/easiest to live as a Westerner part of Lima, called Miraflores ('look at flowers' is literally the meaning of the name). I say "relatively" quiet because the construction everywhere screams out as Luke said yesterday, 'Look at me, I'm Peru, I'm growing at 7% a year'! I walk around the city often with earplugs, or at least earbuds, in. There is a lot of noise pollution here.

Air pollution too, potentially, but I suspect it may also be pollen we are not used to, and the fact that Lima is the second-largest desert city in the world after Cairo, but you'd have a hard time realizing it looking around because there is so much vegetation. I adore the parks here, and we live near quite a few. It is such a blessing to have trees to snuggle up to and grass to plop down upon, especially compared to other South American cities where aspects of nature were sorely lacking (Photo: Parque del Amor in Miraflores)

We've gone a few times to the beaches south of the city where Limeñans like to play in the sand and sea in the summertime. The water is cold and refreshing, the sun strong, and the sunsets amazing. It's nice to be on the west coast and yet in the Eastern US time zone. (Photo: pebbly beach near our house better for surfing than lounging)

I have found work with an interesting project here called 'The Institute of Latin American Restorative Practices' affiliated with a program in the US. Two weeks ago I had the pleasure of attending a training in restorative practices in Spanish, and am now working on helping improve the training even more and integrating opinions of participants. The main thrust of the work at the moment is the creation of a 'restorative zone' in a challenging neighborhood in inner-city Lima, based on an ongoing and successful project in Hull, England. It is certainly an ambitious undertaking, and every person who is trained in restorative practices and begins implementing aspects of them into their lives, whether in schools, homes, or wherever, is already contributing to improving communication and community in my estimation, and so the project has already been a great success 2 years in.

Physically I have become a bit thin but feel healthy, if not incredibly strong and robust at the moment. I am easing into a regular yoga practice again and enjoying long walks through the city and the parks here. I am going easier on myself lately and still sifting through a lot of intense emotional energies that require self-care and attention. But in general, life is unfolding and opening up more beautifully, realistically and peacefully from the inside out, and I very much enjoy and feel fulfilled and supported living this way here and being with Luke.

We may not be experts yet by any stretch, but our Spanish is definitely improving, and our confidence increasing too so that we are planning a trip to the jungle to get off the beaten path a bit soon. We've also had a couple visiting friends of mine pass through Lima, and it has been a real treat to see them too. (Photo: courtesy of Colette since my camera died, a bar in Barranco called 'Ayahuasca')

I have been noticing for some time people often saying to me they hope I am happy. I used to wonder why, and lately I am finding it easier to be. Isn't that lovely!

It's been a whirlwind of a month in Ecuador, Bolivia, and Peru, and I wish to share some glimpses of memorable moments in that time.

Middle-aged men and little girls alike excitedly feeding ducks in a waterfront park with a Loch Ness monster statue in Guayaquil, Ecuador.

A waiter arguing with me that a flour tortilla is actually corn because that's what they order from the producer and that I will not be sick eating it. (I avoided it but ended up with soy sauce gluten poisoning anyway.)


Our bus into Peru dropping us at a Customs Patrol Center at 3am. The guards gave us two plastic chairs to sit/sleep in til sunrise while they watched a movie about a Hispanic woman who met American hippies on a beach and got drunk and drugged.

Luke seeing a huge splash in the sea and subsequently witnessing the breachings and spout-outpourings of a huge humpback whale migrating home while breakfasting at our hotel in Punta Sal, Peru. (Photo on left: hotel view)


When our taxi van got a flat tire in northern Peru the driver attempting to drive the wheel onto a rock in lieu of using a jack but instead using the rock to dislodge the entire front bumper.

Listening to a man rile a crowd of educators who then tranquilly marched with their students through the streets of Piura, Peru to protest low teachers' wages while police in full riot gear and shields stood by.

After a man in a fake janitor suit swept my bag away, our landlady and her maid marching me back to a mall in Arequipa, Peru, screaming at the security guards and insisting I file a police report, all of this concluding six hours later with a policeman writing a report typed by lifting his finger before pressing into each key.

Border guards in Bolivia denying my dollars because they 'looked bad', saying it's real money in the US but not in Bolivia. (Only US citizens have to pay $135 visa, no one else.)

Ubiquitous in Bolivia: llama fetuses and dried baby llamas used for religious ceremonies and sugary popcorn that has the texture of a cheese puff. (Photo on right: a real llama)

Everywhere we go finding few parks with grass fenced off so as not to be used and being chastised by police not to touch it or even to lie on each other's lap on a bench.

Following "Love Day" a series of weddings in a church on a busy street in La Paz with musicians, guests throwing confetti and the couple dancing in the street outside while another wedding is taking place inside.

Feeling like I was sitting at the top of the world on an Andean mountain of higher altitude than Everest base camp, meditating and taking in the view. (Photo on left: the Andes outside La Paz)

Finding (British) Indian food for the first time on this trip. Verdict: tasty and permanently out of papadum.

Hiking pre-Incan ruins of Tiwanku/Aymara at a famous temple site and on Isla del Sol where a mesa is still used for ceremonies near the sacred Puma rock where they believe life began at Lake Titicaca. (Photo below: Isla del Sol)

Our cute Spanish colonial loft-like apartment in Cusco, Peru, home of the Incas, gateway to Machu Picchu, and so full of tourists that a sweet-natured shoeshiner spending 10 minutes cleaning up Luke's converse knock-offs in a park asked for $15 for his services instead of the local price of $2. (Luke told him the shoes cost less than $20 to begin with.)

Scouting out the local market of food and artisan wares, complete with cow and pig heads for sale, though what you use them for I am not quite sure. (I'll spare you the picture.)

Sunday afternoon whilst wandering the streets of Manta with Luke I was musing how unremarkable and not quite as crazy life here in South America has been as compared to life in India and South Africa in the recent past. Sure it may take five trips to the tailor who runs a business out of his house to get him to correctly complete a three-minute task of sewing a patch under a tear in Luke's shorts, and sure we got a fake $20 from an ATM and need to visit a bank this week with our receipt to try to exchange it, but all in all, especially in this non-touristy city in Ecuador nothing especially remarkable has happened, which is fine by me--not as many crazy ups or downs as some other places. (Photo: streetscape in Manta, Ecuador)

Then last night while enjoying evening air and a view from the roof of our apartment building, a school employee showed up with a stranger and started showing him around and asking us questions such as where to recommend this man buy his groceries. We quickly followed them back downstairs and realised that the man had just moved into our shared apartment. Last week another couple from the US stayed here with us and the Ecuadorian couple, which was fun and we were warned ahead of time, but this time someone just showed up, and besides not having cleared any space in the refrigerator or cabinet out of politeness, I had made no space in my mind to feel safe in sharing the apartment with someone new. In addition, I felt incredibly disrespected that we were not so much as informed when we were with various employees over the past two days, nor by the one with whom we live. This stirred up a lot of anger and feelings of unsafety in me, and I spent some time processing those, which included writing a kind but strong email to the school director explaining how I felt and how incredibly preventable this entire experience was. Luke looked at the email through his Western male lens and thought I talked an awful lot about feelings which men may find tricky to take, but I pointed out that the Spanish culture here is better versed in emotional health than we Anglo and Germanic westerners tend to be and that I think he will respond well.

The next morning I awoke to an apologetic email from the director full of responsibility for "causing me such distressing feelings"and assuring me he will speak to the staff and make some changes to policy so that this does not happen again. Imagine our surprise when upon returning to our apartment during a break from class there was a sign on the refrigerator 'Please Leave Space for Other Students in the Refrigerator.' Outrage! We would have made more space if we had but been informed! We quickly went back downstairs to school to speak to the employee we live with, and he apologised that he keeps doing things without telling us first and said the sign was intended for people next week because many new residents are coming to stay after we leave this weekend, and that because of our not being informed last night, the director sent him new instructions to help inform with signs around the apartment. Relief and laughter soon followed. What an unnecessary series of events! (Photo: bamboo scaffolding holding up a concrete building)


Later Luke looked in the freezer to gather some ice. Inside the freezer was our avocado. Por que? (Why?) Which employee would put our avocado that was sitting on top of the refrigerator into the freezer, and why? We left it on the counter to thaw. I don't have much hope that it will be remotely edible, and I have never heard of a frozen avocado. As I sit here typing this, I am informed by Luke: our avocado has melted. Crazy? Maybe just a bit. (Photo: sunset on the Ecuadorian coast)

PS, an update: In case you were wondering, thawed avocados have the texture of rubber. We didn't eat it.

We're now in the land that is granting asylum to Julian Assange, one of the few times in recent memory Ecuador has made news on the world stage. People here seem excited to see what happens but not actually convinced that it's good or bad to support Assange, just interesting. We've since learned that President Correa over the last 8 years has become chummy with Castro, Chavez and even Ahmahdeneyad, so I assume this move to help Assange and statements such as that he will not receive a fair trial in the US are aimed at flipping a political finger at the US and shoring up support for moving Ecuador off the US dollar and onto its own more volatile currency again. But what do I care for Assange? Frankly, I think that shoring himself up in an embassy and insisting the US leave him alone is a weak move from a rather arrogant boundary-pushing man.

And nowhere but in Latin America would I have competition for music playing on the roof of a city building at 9am on a Sunday morning while doing my daily dance meditation. The country seemingly recycles a handful of Spanish and another handful of remixed English songs, sprinkled with salsa and meringue earlier in the evenings. By midnight, all the clubs around the town are pumping pop-techno poison, including the megahit that translates to 'Everyone knows that the drunk man falls down,' and another entitled, 'I don't want to water, I want liquor.' And speaking of water, the water in all these countries is not fit for drinking, but this water is apparently full of mercury and even in the shower smells fairly foul. Boiling it for tea or coffee results in brackish-like taste, and as in India, everyone buys bottles or purifies their water here. (Photo: from a cafe in Panajachel, Guatemala)

However, there is always the shower, and ours are suicide showers, so-called because one must first flip an electric switch and that heats the water coming out of the showerhead. When we first tried it, Luke got a shock. An electrician came and spent all day in our room, then said it was safe. That night Luke got another small shock and asked me to come and see. Super-sensitive Valerie touches the knob where one turns on the water and ZAP sparks and smoke pour out of the top of the showerhead and I sustain an electric shock throughout my body, complete with red skid-marks up my arm, adrenaline pumping. We got a new shower the next day. And the day after that, the toilet bowl exploded and leaked its contents all over our floor. Always an adventure!

Sometimes I wonder where the day has gone completing simple tasks in such places. For example, Luke went fresh veggie and fruit-shopping at the market this morning while I wrote papers of Spanish vocabulary words and posted them all over the house, such as 'Estufe-Stove' and 'Cortina-Curtain,' etc. When he returned I washed and cut the fruits and veg for the week (this took 1.5 hours). Then I made lunch which required also washing some greens for a salad (1 hour).

We're continuously told that Ecuador has a huge crack cocaine problem and that it's unsafe to walk the streets (or the beach) at night, but we've yet to encounter anything suspicious ourselves. We've been most freaked out so far walking a few blocks in Guatemala City one night, but we're not looking to test it out either. In Guatemala people were surface-friendly but seemed often a bit in shock or shut down, like an entire country still processing trauma and scared to open up to themselves and each other, and certainly outsiders. We never got much past surface conversations about history, politics and people's needs and desires, and I don't think that's just the Spanish-speaking barrier. It's a beautiful and relatively peaceful place these days but has many depths yet to unearth. A former president fled to Mexico and was extradited back in 2010, was recently acquitted of money laundering charges in Guatemala but faces extradition and trial for similar charges in the US. People cautiously ask for change and seek to better themselves through work, education and celebration of culture (more than 50% of the country is considered indigenous Mayans), while also cautiously concerned that the country could collapse and the government is not to be trusted, with genocides occurring into the 1980's. (Photo: Guatemala Mayan farm)

Ecuador is expensive, having replaced the insecure sucre with the US dollar in 2000, but people are more sure, more wealthy, and often more worldly and aware of the impact of change and how politicians are catering with small rewards to short-sighted and desperate people and removing liberties, relying on exports of oil and threatening to shake the stability gained over recent years. It's an interesting time to be here, and I am so glad we went to Quito. It is possibly the prettiest big city I have ever seen. Nestled snugly into a valley in the Andes and dotted with parks, it sneaks up the mountainsides so that nearly every neighborhood has spectacular views. The old quarter shares aspects of many European Spanish cities such as small winding streets, cute cafes and churches laden with amazing art that scream 'God is glorified through gold' (and one presumes, the sweat and toil of underpaid workers in centuries past). Still, the city is spectacular. (Photo: church in Quito)


Now soaking up more Spanish classes after a false start at a small beach hostel with the smelliest kitchen we have ever experienced, uninterested teachers and a perpetually cloudy beach in Canoa, we are studying at a proper school and living in an apartment in a city called Manta. There are nice grocery stores and even a few restaurants with non-Ecuadorian food for variety (mostly Italian, but a nice break from plantains and ceviche, as yummy as those foods are). I'm still introspective but am more actively looking into PhD programs, visas for Luke in the US, and will soon edit my website. I can't imagine living without him anymore, and we're both settling into that space well. It's a new and welcome transition into planning our lives together. Here's hoping it doesn't include any more electrocutions. (Photo: Quito skyline from our hostel)

This journey began in 2009 when I graduated law school and moved to India, then South Africa, then Australia, and soon will be somewhere in South America...

The majorly visible successes so far:
(1) India passed a national law criminalising child sexual abuse.
(2) Australia is passing new laws to criminalise forced and servile marriage.
(3) Dalton Private Reserve in South Africa has been remade into Zulu Waters and has new management and increased success, which can further support the Dalton Education Trust. And in addition to the preschool we electrified, the government has finally erected poles in the communities.
(4) Australia's announcement of the country's first inquiry into sexual abuse in religious institutions.

To celebrate I would like to share the opening I wrote and delivered for a restorative justice circle I facilitated as a project of the Melbourne Victims' Collective in April 2011. Participants included: members of clergy, victims’ advocate, police officer, survivors of clergy sexual abuse and support persons. I have removed names and refer in the text below to the speakers as 'survivor advocates.' I hope you enjoy.

It seems the natural order of the universe from a centrally-located bundle of light energy to the Big Bang and from then onward has been an oscillation between order and chaos. Through chaos there is creation of new order, and then a challenge of that order by creation of more chaos, thus establishing a new order, and so on ad infinitum. These past six months have been something of a personal inner ordering. I've dug deep into my emotional world and learned a lot about myself and worked through much of my past pain and suffering that due to my previously frenetic pace of life I couldn't reflect on. It is not highly valued yet in our Western society, but it is extremely hard, humbling and confronting work to sit with oneself and work through all the shit that comes up. No excuses, no blaming, but taking full and complete responsibility for one's life and all that's been created, releasing the bits that do not work, being willing to ride out the emotional highs and lows, self-comfort and seek support. Even Jesus, as has been pointed out to me recently, disappeared into the desert for 18 years to work through his own personal challenges. "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man" (Luke 2:52). (Photo: a child's poem on a plaque in the MLK Memorial Rose Garden in Atlanta, GA)
It seems to me people from Obama to George Clooney or anyone who has achieved a powerful position and is stable inside (key word "stable," do not include dictators or flailing Lohan-like starlets on this list) are just sorting out their creative experiences on broader scales than the rest of us because they have mastered more of their self work in this University of life-long learning we call Being Human. I think the work is no different to ours. What I understand is that in this three-dimensional life we each have an emotional world, a physical world, and a mental world, and together they form our complete spirit. To be a master of all three seems to me to be consciously aware where you are in each--your challenges and boundaries and limitations and strengths and weaknesses--and to as best you can, unconditionally love and accept yourself exactly where you are, and therefore offer that gift to others around you as well. To stand up for yourself in healthy way while being kind to others as well; to seek support and to support others; to be a master manager of your emotions and work through them as best you can while also putting them aside at times so as to not be enslaved by or over-identify with them; to be a mastermind and not identify fully with the mind but recognise it for the fantastic tool it is for creative imaginings and memory processing and complex problem-solving and capacity to hold information; to be a master of your physicality and listen to your body and treat it like the temple and important vessel to carry you through this life that it is while also not falling victim to narcissism or over-indulgence in fleeting self-definition or seeking affirmation through physicality...these are all aspects or our stories, and our individual stories form our identities in our minds, but we are so much more, and so much less.

At the root of the root of it all, we are love, unconditional and infinitely accepting, and are all inter-being and co-creating and co-experiencing our lives. (Think the butterfly effect in Chaos Theory.) We all have infinite value and are deserving of infinite joy and wealth, happiness and health because we exist. We are all worthy. Our experiences of joy and love are as different as we are, or as they say in Cambodia, "Same same but different." We have so much in common, and the more I sit alone at home in myself and reflect on all I have seen and experienced in my short life so far, the more I see how much we get in our own way and distort this truth and create distance and confusion and chaos, so that we can reach this truth again and again in a deeper, more integrated and wonderful way. Such is life, to me, this challenge of feeling love and joy when it is not easily apparent, of deep acceptance and love and compassion for creatures human and otherwise we do not like or respect.


I have worked for years for survivors of child sexual abuse and to prevent this horrible experience, and people often say to me, "Wow, I couldn't do that, good for you." It is hard, I will not lie, but it is so deeply rewarding as well. And apparently for me it requires periodic self-refreshing sessions of some time to process all I've seen and heard, but I have just as much compassion for an abuser as any other person. An abuser is just as much a product of our society as you or I, and to work through such a deeply disturbing act requires they receive as much support and compassion as we can provide. This can of course be coupled with careful limitations and strong boundaries to keep them safe from further harming themselves or others. I would prefer to live in a world where we as a people and a collective culture we are so comfortable in our sexuality that we can talk about it openly and are not ashamed of our bodies and emotional desires or our taboo thoughts, do not overly identify with these, and seek support when we feel overwhelmed. I would prefer to live in a world where there is so much self-awareness that these urges and thoughts alone are enough for someone to seek support and help to prevent harm. (Photo: Yellow Branch Falls in Walhalla, SC)

But it seems to me we live primarily in a world of reaction and response, not prevention and reflection. How many people sit even once a month and reflect for 30 minutes on their priorities this month, this year, this life? How many people then reflect how they spend their time, money, energy and other resources, and if this reflects the priorities they outlined? And how many people then are capable and interested to take responsibility for themselves and their lives and create the change they wish to experience? (Photo: profound local paper bin in Savannah, GA) We all have the choice to do this with every living, breathing moment.

In this infinite dance of chaos and order, it strikes me we have collectively created and continue to create, a helluva lot of chaos, and I am among a growing minority not crying or screaming at the world for order or playing victim, but quietly calming and coming into myself, practicing extreme self-care, compassion, acceptance, patience and other aspects of loving resiliency, of growing peace within myself and accessing passion to fill my world with as much joy as I can so that I can be peace and passion and patience and compassion and acceptance and all these aspects of being inherent in each and every one of us, and in so doing help those I come in contact with access and grow these within themselves. The more I work on being these, the more my personal world becomes peaceful and passionate and dream-like in feeling; the less seriously I take life and the more fulfilled I feel and fun I have; the more I laugh and smile and see a light in someone's eyes, the window to the soul; the more the following poem by ee cummings appeals to me and the more life makes sense and settles in comfortably for me in all its current 2012 chaos:

seeker of truth

follow no paths
all paths lead where

truth is here

I am infinitely interested in everyone's stories and perspectives during my finite time on Earth, and to further a deepening of my understanding of different cultures and lifestyles and ways of being, will be moving to South America with my sweetheart in three weeks, during which time the blogging will be back on track. And I invite you to join me and to share your thoughts. xoxo

I have been back since Thanksgiving, back in the bedroom I left at 18, now at 28. My parents bought me a 2000 car again, just like they did when I was 17. It is all very full circle and funny, not at all what I was taught to expect. In Australia I was taught that inside each of us is a child, teenage, and adult self, and as adults we need to practice embracing all of these aspects of self, the parent and teenager comfort and guide the child, the child be encouraged to play and be free, and the parent set loving and firm boundaries to keep the child and teenager safe. These boundaries based on personal responsibility and self-respect flow from deep inner feeling and I find they are most easily accessed through mindfulness, intuition, meditation and dreams.

Let's sing and dance around and be proud of ourselves and know that we are loved and worthy of being loved simply because we exist, and know that the more we love ourselves the more we can find compassion for others. I am increasingly seeing the hurt children in those around me, and it is helping to heal the hurt and confused child within me. All we need to do is remember and we can laugh and feel good in any moment. Each moment is what we have, and we can choose to take responsibility for creating moments of fulfillment and joy, no matter our circumstance. We can be happy we are experiencing and being mindful of where we are now, even when we are in pain we can rejoice we are feeling alive. Buddhism teaches that pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. Even when we have chosen to be in an office meeting we find boring, we can choose instead of an inner complaint dialogue in our minds, to quietly and quickly cultivate a fun memory to make ourselves smile, thereby brightening ourselves and the entire meeting room with our inner joy radiating out.

We can practice letting go and flowing with the changes in life, embracing new experiences with the exciting eyes of a child seeing something for the first time. I believe we are given and create in our lives only what we are capable of handling. Sometimes we can do things ourselves, and sometimes we need more help than others. I believe every thing is our teacher. A leaf floating down a stream teaches us that we can gracefully flow with the rough and changing currents of life. A rock teaches us that to be still and solid is strength. A tree swaying in the breeze teaches us that balance is fluid and not controlled. The squirrel and oak tree shows us a mutually beneficial natural dance of giving and receiving. Even our smart phone teaches us that there are amazing new things to discover and people to speak to every day, that we can connect to the entire world wherever we are, and that we can choose how much we want to experience and put the phone down, breathe and walk away when we are feeling overwhelmed.


I also believe all people are our teachers. Some teachers are with us longer than others. When we do not feel we are growing in a relationship, we can lovingly learn to let it go, and be excited that we had beautiful moments together and may meet again our life journey. I believe the goal of life is navigating and experiencing life, being present and not caught in past hurts or future fears. This is a big part of the work I am doing now. One aspect I am practicing is to allow the child and teenager within to have fun, within loving boundaries set by my adult parent self. You know how kids are excited by everything, how everything is new and imagination is so active? We can do that too! We can be excited about our new pretty light blue toothbrush, the comfort of a steaming cup of spiced tea and a warm blanket keeping us cozy on a wintry day, an upcoming visit from an old friend, or a meeting with a new colleague, even the moo of a cow!

We can experience love all around us. We can be excited about a walk in the woods, and feel loved by the way the light travels through the branches and traces the contours of a turtle's shell as it suns itself. We can choose to feel loved by the sun as is peeks out of the clouds to shed a bit of light and warmth on a winter's day, and we can choose to feel loved by the clouds that fluffily cover the sun so that we appreciate the shades within daylight, and we can choose to feel loved by the night with its twinkling stars, lights and appreciate its darkness as a beautiful contrast to the light of the daytime sun.


Seeing other friends going through this and writing encouraging emails has inspired me to blog again, so I am very grateful to be asked for support and also that my asking for support has brought me back here. If you are reading this, I want you to know that you are loved and you are worthy of being and feeling loved simply because you exist. All beings are deserving of this. <3

Time is not a constant. Einstein taught us this, and it's really sunk deeply into me recently. I can meditate for an hour and it feels like 20 years of dreams/thoughts/astral travel, walk for 2 hours and it feels like 4 days of movement, or ride my bike for 45 minutes and it feels like 5 minutes of effort and 5 years of thought.

Our minds create our worlds. When I started daily yoga and meditation last year (both of which I have picked up and put down in different stages of life, like good books I wasn't quite ready to read and absorb), I felt the true expanse of the meditative state, that layer of superconsciousness between conscious waking and subconscious sleep. Soon I was able to meditate myself into sleep and integrate even more fascinating levels of the subconscious and superconscious through dreams. Then I began meditating for even 10 minutes when tired to perk myself back up, recenter, ground, remain present, and more fully integrate the superconscious and conscious. My senses heightened. I began energy work/reiki, and can now feel the energy of people, crystals, buildings--anything. Suddenly tastes, touch, smell, hearing, all feel more intense. (Photo: street statute men in impressive makeup)

Since Operation Nurture commenced, I have been working hard to let go a lot of emotions and traumas in my body, to really feel them, thank them for their lesson, and release them. Trauma sits in the body (like whiplash from a car wreck), and everything is integrated. When I think, I feel where a trauma or emotion sits in me; for example, thoughts of a past lover bring tears to my eyes, a smile to my face, a choke in my throat, a welling in my root, pins in my heart, and goosebumps on my arms. It's immediate and intense. Sometimes it scares me. But I feel blessed and amazed and excited to feel, learn, and let go, and stand with others so they can do the same. (Photo: Tile says 'Make <3 Not War!' and written underneath: 'Don't discriminate! Make both.')


Many people seek to "have" (money, accolade, material things) in order to "do" (travel, go out at night, pursue hobbies) so that they can "be" (happy, fulfilled, joyous, etc.) This is backwards. So is how I have been consciously living until recently. I have been "doing" (working 80 hours a week, cleaning dishes immediately after use, responding to people as soon as possible, not sleeping or taking true care of myself) in order to "have"/'be". This is just as silly. I realise now one must firstly "be" (knowing, feeling and integrating the essence of self, what feels right to be doing/acting, integrating how one wants to live in the world into "is" and into each day, relationship, work, and thought), then in that state of being, "do" (I find I do fewer things with more intention and energy and intuition and purpose than I used to), and this allows one to "have" (the essence of having: one then creates and attracts what is needed and wanted for one's true self and work, and accomplishes more).

I needed to learn how to sit still and nurture myself. Tada, I was hit by a car! I rested a bit, delved deeper into spirituality, and still overworked myself and felt bad asking for help when I needed it, and tada the next week another car hit and reminded me to really sit still! So I did--I spent about 5 days sleeping and barely getting out of bed, and another month focusing energy on healing myself and doing what absolutely mattered most (nurturing and resting myself, continuing my work, keeping up with key friends and family, etc.). Where I previously would've felt guilty letting some things and people slide out of my everyday, I really knew and owned that was what I needed. And without guilt behind it, those people and things, and most importantly I, were not upset, and are slowly reconnecting now as my energy elevates.

My mom framed a fortune cookie note for me, that I carry with me around the world. (Photo includes a gift from a dear friend I also carry around) So much of my life I lived just in my head and was not integrated in my body. When my head wasn't in tune with my intuition, feelings and emotions in my body, I got very physically ill, drained, and malnourished. Now I am stronger and healthier than I ever remember being. I do yoga, mediate, eat homemade farm-grown food, cycle, spend time with people I adore and learn from and feel nourished and accepted by, and do work that fulfills my soul. When I need to cancel plans or take the train to work because I feel tired, I do, instead of pushing myself against better judgment.

I am pretty sure most clothes I've left in the US wouldn't remotely fit Healthy Me. I stand proud and own my space. When I tell a friend here that I used to be a size 2 and was once so weak that lifting a glass of water felt like it weighed 10 lbs, they can't comprehend it. I learned from the illness, and it no longer defines me. Fully integrating learned life lessons, thereby releasing patterns and leaving negative thought loops, heals the body, mind, spirit and relationships.

I feel as though I am ever-nearing the energetic essence of the universe, which like a gorgeous infinity is never reached completely, only asymptotically (my math studies do come in handy). It feels like such a fuller way of being, and I am excited to continue to explore the layers and depth and breadth of life, to be my essence and resonate throughout more and more of the infinitely many dimensions of being. What a journey--a deep breath, infinite love and trust, and a dive in! (Photo: street statue men clearing up, seen months later than first photo--did you realise the front 2 were fake, and only the back 2 were real people? I hadn't!)

So I was working 80 hour weeks on two jobs, my boss and I coordinating and co-facilitating a successful and moving restorative justice-based conference on clergy sexual abuse on Friday, and researching and writing a government submission paper on immigration law and domestic violence for the other job due the following Tuesday. Thursday while cycling in the bike lane to the office for what was meant to be a half day of work, a car stopped in the middle of the road and the passenger opened her door into my arm. That slammed my left shoulder into the parked car to my left, then momentum and the principle of ricochet pushed my bike and body forward, and I landed on the top of my right hand and my knees, with a gash between my knuckles and some spectacular bruises I'm still sporting two weeks later. (Photo: hospital had me do this yoga-rific x-ray configuration)

My first thought looking at my poor trooper of a writing hand was, 'Ahh how can I do down dog, or ride my bike? Yoga, cycling and meditation are my sanity.' Thankfully nothing is broken, though my right hand is bandaged and in a sling, I'm headachy and my shoulder isn't the happiest. Daily yoga for the past year, however light it is lately is really helpful. An ounce of prevention is such a truism. (Photo: watching a turtle--talk about restful)

Working slowly for half-days traveling by tram and alternately wearing two skirts that are easy to put on, because simple things like pulling hair back with one hand are tricky, I'd been trekking slowly along til last Thursday as a passenger in my boss's car we were bumped by a car whose driver didn't use his brakes. We were stopped, he hit us from behind and pushed us into the car in front. Didn't do much besides restart my adrenaline, which had been on the decline.

The Universe rings loud and clear my need to sit still and take care of myself.

So since Thursday I've been sleeping and eating and very little else, a self-imposed coma. Sleep is the best medicine. Some socialising, spiritual and energy work, yoga, online Scrabble and short walks are good, too. Along with West Wing, which my housemate has gotten me addicted to in my bedridden state. Watching pretend American politics is more fun outside the country. Also, congratulations Colorado law, as ranking seems to be top priority lately, and here's a plug for our friend Father Bob and his hilarious April Fool's drive-by confessional.

So I'm resting to re-emerge my happy active self and less of a zombie. Hope you're all having fun and experiencing warm fuzzies like the bunny-ful holiday just passed. Happy Passover and Easter, everyone! xo (Photo: bats resting, see how much we can learn from nature)

I've been wanting to blog for ages, to share--or maybe to gloat--that my current home is the second-most liveable city in the world, that in an effort to go easy on myself I tell myself it's important to prioritise time and if blogging and uploading pictures to Facebook slips lower on the list than socialising in person and by phone, then so it goes. Recent research shows the unhappiness of half-assing and pretending you're happy to do/be something when you're not, so unless you've got some deadline, why not do it well and thoroughly later than half-formed sooner? (Photo: sunrise from my bedroom window)

And speaking of deadlines, I've got more coming up. Having had a few-week break from the 2-full-time-job insanity, which time I happily filled with friends, socialising, dating, a visit to the countryside complete with a hike and visit to a wildlife sanctuary. Sometimes I feel so on the go I think I've forgotten how to sit still. People tend to think I don't sleep (which was actually true when I was pulling all-nighters deep in double-job mode last month). My first job is still the same, which is culminating in our convening a restorative justice forum on clergy sexual abuse on April 8, which is the first time to our knowledge restorative justice is being used in this area. My second involves legal research and consulting, writing submissions for the Australian federal government on behalf of another NGO on proposed law and policy changes, first regarding forced and servile marriage, and now on a domestic violence "escape" in immigration law for women on conditional spousal visas. I meet the most inspiring people and hear such amazing stories researching this on the ground. (Photo: a hike in Healesville)

As if I need more evidence my current life is and, let's be honest, has always been very cushy. I read with interest articles like this mapping out unhappiness, health, and other issues in the US. Sometimes it feels like the hazards of choice. If all you had time for was eking out a living, breaking your back working to just feed yourself, have shelter and survive, you wouldn't have the unhappiness and existential crises. You'd just do, which would be all you knew. (Photo: koalas sleep so I don't have to)

Because there are always more problems and challenges to tackle! You know, like this, and that, just regarding child sex abuse in Melbourne alone. Work-life balance is always a struggle, unless you actively strive to do less or live in Denmark, apparently. Yoga in the morning, easily 1-2 hours of cycling a day getting around town, and meditation at night all keep my energy strong. It's so important when you're on a mission. My boss asked me the other day, if you don't sit still, why don't you sit still? The answer is easy. There's just so much I want to do! Passion calls, and I'm off to another meeting with some priests-- (Photo: happily swinging around straight-haired me!)

The Protection of Children from Sexual Offences Bill of 2010, which has been front page news since July (and I'm mentioned in a fore-running article here), has reached an intense debate recently on the age of consensual sex. The basic idea is not to charge an 18-year-old with rape for having consensual sex with his/her 16-year-old boy/girlfriend. The debate is about the age at which children can consent, culminating into sensation headlines like 'Non-penetrative Sex Ok for 12-year-olds, Bill Says.' To be clear, the minimum age was 14 in the draft we worked on, and the definition of 'young child' was under 12, meaning if a child is abused below that age, the offender faces increased sentencing. Agreement is building to use 16 as the minimum age allowable for consent. (Photo: colony of gulls on a bright green pond I've been cycling past in my daily commute)

My thoughts on this are similar regarding the recent activity in Egypt: the immediate outcome--whether the age of consent is 14 or 16, or whether a conservative Muslim government is voted in--is less important to me than public and open debate and interest in politics and governance, and general ownership of and participation in a fair process. (I realise Egypt's turmoil worries Israel. The Wikileaks-revealed Israeli strategy to leave Palestine on the brink of collapse is not endearing, though to say Iran is strategising to create another Gaza in Egypt seems overly alarmist.) In any case, India & Egypt, I'm impressed and excited to see how you sort it out. As James Bryant Conant said, "Behold the turtle: he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." (And I'll add, he ensures he's at home wherever he goes. Admirable, indeed.) 


In local news, besides the barrage of rain and resulting flooding from the cyclone which filled my boots and showered me as I walked home last night, it's been an inspiring week. I'm devoting myself full-time to the clergy sex abuse project, with much positive progress, and enjoying facilitating and circulating energy during meetings, and embedding restorative justice practices into all aspects of our work, including an amazing restorative guided healing conversation circle on Friday. Empowering in a safe space to promote communication and collaborate to heal--restorative circles are a magical process, and I feel honoured every time I lead one. This whole settling-in-by-February theory appears to be true: I've just been hired as a short-term consultant to prepare a comment on a proposed Australian law on forced and servile marriage for a local NGO. And tomorrow a friend and I move into a new place where I plan to unpack for the first time since August. (I just have to find some crates or drawers to unpack my stuff into, haha.) The new house is a unique space: a converted fire station closer to the city, and everyone from friends' parents to my boss are kindly pooling together to lend me furniture and supplies, affirming yet again (as if I needed it) that people are good. Or better than good, even. (Photo: You know you're in Australia when...)