A Passion for Peace

Time is not a constant. Einstein taught us this, and it's really sunk deeply into me recently. I can meditate for an hour and it feels like 20 years of dreams/thoughts/astral travel, walk for 2 hours and it feels like 4 days of movement, or ride my bike for 45 minutes and it feels like 5 minutes of effort and 5 years of thought.

Our minds create our worlds. When I started daily yoga and meditation last year (both of which I have picked up and put down in different stages of life, like good books I wasn't quite ready to read and absorb), I felt the true expanse of the meditative state, that layer of superconsciousness between conscious waking and subconscious sleep. Soon I was able to meditate myself into sleep and integrate even more fascinating levels of the subconscious and superconscious through dreams. Then I began meditating for even 10 minutes when tired to perk myself back up, recenter, ground, remain present, and more fully integrate the superconscious and conscious. My senses heightened. I began energy work/reiki, and can now feel the energy of people, crystals, buildings--anything. Suddenly tastes, touch, smell, hearing, all feel more intense. (Photo: street statute men in impressive makeup)

Since Operation Nurture commenced, I have been working hard to let go a lot of emotions and traumas in my body, to really feel them, thank them for their lesson, and release them. Trauma sits in the body (like whiplash from a car wreck), and everything is integrated. When I think, I feel where a trauma or emotion sits in me; for example, thoughts of a past lover bring tears to my eyes, a smile to my face, a choke in my throat, a welling in my root, pins in my heart, and goosebumps on my arms. It's immediate and intense. Sometimes it scares me. But I feel blessed and amazed and excited to feel, learn, and let go, and stand with others so they can do the same. (Photo: Tile says 'Make <3 Not War!' and written underneath: 'Don't discriminate! Make both.')


Many people seek to "have" (money, accolade, material things) in order to "do" (travel, go out at night, pursue hobbies) so that they can "be" (happy, fulfilled, joyous, etc.) This is backwards. So is how I have been consciously living until recently. I have been "doing" (working 80 hours a week, cleaning dishes immediately after use, responding to people as soon as possible, not sleeping or taking true care of myself) in order to "have"/'be". This is just as silly. I realise now one must firstly "be" (knowing, feeling and integrating the essence of self, what feels right to be doing/acting, integrating how one wants to live in the world into "is" and into each day, relationship, work, and thought), then in that state of being, "do" (I find I do fewer things with more intention and energy and intuition and purpose than I used to), and this allows one to "have" (the essence of having: one then creates and attracts what is needed and wanted for one's true self and work, and accomplishes more).

I needed to learn how to sit still and nurture myself. Tada, I was hit by a car! I rested a bit, delved deeper into spirituality, and still overworked myself and felt bad asking for help when I needed it, and tada the next week another car hit and reminded me to really sit still! So I did--I spent about 5 days sleeping and barely getting out of bed, and another month focusing energy on healing myself and doing what absolutely mattered most (nurturing and resting myself, continuing my work, keeping up with key friends and family, etc.). Where I previously would've felt guilty letting some things and people slide out of my everyday, I really knew and owned that was what I needed. And without guilt behind it, those people and things, and most importantly I, were not upset, and are slowly reconnecting now as my energy elevates.

My mom framed a fortune cookie note for me, that I carry with me around the world. (Photo includes a gift from a dear friend I also carry around) So much of my life I lived just in my head and was not integrated in my body. When my head wasn't in tune with my intuition, feelings and emotions in my body, I got very physically ill, drained, and malnourished. Now I am stronger and healthier than I ever remember being. I do yoga, mediate, eat homemade farm-grown food, cycle, spend time with people I adore and learn from and feel nourished and accepted by, and do work that fulfills my soul. When I need to cancel plans or take the train to work because I feel tired, I do, instead of pushing myself against better judgment.

I am pretty sure most clothes I've left in the US wouldn't remotely fit Healthy Me. I stand proud and own my space. When I tell a friend here that I used to be a size 2 and was once so weak that lifting a glass of water felt like it weighed 10 lbs, they can't comprehend it. I learned from the illness, and it no longer defines me. Fully integrating learned life lessons, thereby releasing patterns and leaving negative thought loops, heals the body, mind, spirit and relationships.

I feel as though I am ever-nearing the energetic essence of the universe, which like a gorgeous infinity is never reached completely, only asymptotically (my math studies do come in handy). It feels like such a fuller way of being, and I am excited to continue to explore the layers and depth and breadth of life, to be my essence and resonate throughout more and more of the infinitely many dimensions of being. What a journey--a deep breath, infinite love and trust, and a dive in! (Photo: street statue men clearing up, seen months later than first photo--did you realise the front 2 were fake, and only the back 2 were real people? I hadn't!)